Today about seven or eight of my class mates greeting me with a “hey” or a “how’s it going”. First and foremost the latter is a difficult greeting when ‘how it is going’ is not ‘going’ so great. It is very evident when I am not feeling well. I wear my emotions on my sleeve sometimes literally with tear stains. I cannot always control my tears, it’s part of what makes me the person who I am. I feel pretty darn deep sometimes.

Since I have been in China, I have encountered many variables that have made my academics difficult. Heck even now I should be studying but I do not possess the tenacity to just do my work when the going gets tough in my personal life. So what has been going on with Shia daily? Simple answer: Just plain ole depression. Details I cannot provide but I will discuss some things.

A strange thing continues to occur with me, and that is this feeling of forgetting that I am in China almost routinely everyday. At first I thought it was just travelers “whatever”, but it has become a serious issue. I have been in China for just over a month now, about time I realize it. Well my sleep life has been in shambles, which usually indicates that my wake life ain’t too great either.

Lately I have been having very wild and vivid dreams that have really shocked me. I’ve been a dreamer for a number of years now, so it is no surprise that I would have a good dream recall or that my dreams would be vivid, but these dreams have been more than disturbing. I have seen things from a 4th person point of view, I have talked with my dead father, and I have cried over my dead aunt, I even killed someone in self defense. The most scary thing was, when I turned over my assailant, it was me only younger.

Since I have been in China I have a serious dream about 3 times a week. I am wondering if the food here is having a significant psychological affect on me. Normally I wouldn’t really care except my waking life has been jeopardized as a result. My sleepless nights cause drowsy long days with little productivity. Grades slip, and tensions rise. Beyond that is my lack of communication with some people that I really love. I thank those who do stay in contact with me regularly enough (you know who you are), for with you Lady Sunrise, and Shoe, I may have really lost ‘it’ by now. What ‘it’ is, I don’t exactly know.

I’ve also been extremely self conscious as of late. For whatever reason this phenomenon has prevented me from staying focused. I’m not sure what this new me is, but I am not a fan. I only hope I have the cojones to post this rather sensitive entry.

Being true to word, I am open about my experience. I also can relate this to Maslow’s with ease. Simply put, we are not motivated to do a specific goal, rather we are motivated to accomplish the greater goal by the smaller steps. My lack of uninterrupted peaceful rest keeps me from successful days. This recursive action is likely due to a problem in my first tier, though I like to think I am past the first and second tier at this point. Maybe I need to concentrate on a healthier intake. Whatever the case might be I need to really fix things soon before it completely ruins my trip.

Seven or eight people greeted me today, during the aftermath. I only wish that my ear could have been receptive to these acts of acknowledgment and kindness seven or eight days ago.